~ Here it is, the closing of another year and my thoughts veer
toward all that has transpired before looking forward to the calendar turning. Close
in mind are recollections of incidents near and during the past Christmas
holiday. Disappointment, heartache, sadness, despair and loss, mostly beyond my
control, but nevertheless, weighted me down. The shadow of depression had already
been lurking for some time and then
I found my constant worry about several
loved ones and mounting anxiety plagued me throughout the day, even with
medication. The stress of preparing and placing myself behind a false mask for
family overextended my mental reserve and I found myself facing yet another
severe depression after the holidays ended. I began sleeping more, finding it
extremely difficult to force myself out of bed, sometimes retreating back into
the folds of sheets by afternoon, curtains closed, until evening beckoned, my
day mostly spent asleep or just laying there staring, thinking. Sleep was a
retreat, not only because I was depressed but because sleep assured my thoughts
would quiet and the hurt my heart felt
was therefore silenced for a time. A slight reprieve. But the downside is the
more I slept or stayed in bed, the worse I actually felt - the more tired I
became. Many times throughout the days
I'd catch myself crying, with no relief. The darkness in my room mirrored the
darkness within and my thoughts tortured me, turning to suicidal ideations.
Unfortunately this is an all too familiar place I venture to in my mind when I
feel so depressed, hopeless; desperate to end the overwhelming hurt that
threatens my very existence. I desperately search my mind for methods I've researched
before - the how to - the how many pills, how many do I still have on hand, how
many would I still need, where would I go to implement the plan and on and on,
playing and replaying scenarios in my head until the scenarios include faces of
loved ones, grieving faces, those grieving after my death - the left behind
soles that I had worried over and loved. Suffering would then be transferred
from me to them. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
This past weekend, the shadow of depression enveloped me but
I made the choice to get up. Even though it was hard, it was a new day. I made
the choice to do something to help myself, regardless of the ache in my body or
the leaden feel to my legs, regardless of the deep hole I felt in my heart and the worry that clouded my
thoughts. I headed out in nature, my
husband by my side, to walk along the beach - to feel the strength of my legs
carry me forward, out of darkness, to feel the wind carry across the water,
tossing my hair, erasing some of the despairing thoughts with each gust. The
simple act of searching for treasures along the shore freed my mind, allowing
it to concentrate on shapes and textures in the sand instead of sadness and
woe. Many times, I simply closed my eyes and stood there, my feet firmly
planted, the sound of the waves lapping the shore, the breeze blowing against
my cheek. Grateful. I took a close-up picture of the water at the shoreline that day and upon viewing it
I realized my shadow was reflected in the water - the darkness of depression may still have been there but I was in the
light, standing tall in front of it.
