Racing Through the Fog

No stranger am I to racing thoughts. Now that my deep depression has slightly begun to lift, like the fog after a misty night, my mind begins to shift gears.  Thoughts conjure up ideas: list after list of all the things I want to do, all the new projects,  things I'd like to make, read, watch, and of course all the projects I have started in the past and not finished also resurface. And It doesn't just stop there with the simple thoughts - I go into what I call my research and gather mode; I search the internet and books for potential patterns and pull out ones  I've previously saved in my many folders hidden away. Something is amiss, but I struggle with the pounding thoughts that feed on my need to create. I begin to take stock of supplies I have on hand and make lists, many lists of what I need to purchase. Then there's the books to read and movies to watch - I explore the possibilities as if they are the most important things I need to accomplish. There is an urgency and I am on overdrive; tending  to talk incessantly, jumping from one subject to another, to another and still, another. There is no focal point; no one thing I can grasp at any given moment.  

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-pressured-speech-378822

https://www.verywellmind.com/flight-of-ideas-380318

My husband is keen at recognizing my shift in mood and the telltale signs of my rapid speech and subject jumping. He is like a beacon in the lingering fog and warns me to slow down. But it is hard with pressured speech; It is mind-boggling and feels like I could burst if I don't talk.  Normally, I do not realize my behavior except at times, I talk and talk,  just to  roll on totally different topics, wondering  what on earth I had originally been talking about, my mind pausing, searching for the point I was trying to make just moments ago. Somehow, I believe that the subjects may  have a connection, some common denominator unbeknownst to me. It is frustrating and a struggle when my mind cannot find quiet.  It is very  hard to reign in my ever whirling thoughts  and speech. This all causes confusion , frustration, lack of concentration, embarrassment,  and anxiety.

There are several coping skills I use to combat the constant revolving chatter. The main thing I do is try to distract myself. I love listening to audio books and I have found that even though at times , I have to backtrack due to my thoughts intervening, it helps quiet my scattered mind.  I also take walks, most often  listening to my book, keeping tabs on my gait and the scenery around me. I enjoy working puzzles, concentrating on the shapes and colors helps me to find some focus, which otherwise  is lacking.  I also have other endeavors:  craft and art activities, each requiring a certain degree of concentration.  There is counting stitches in crocheting, the feel of the brush in my hand and the colors of the paint, the hum of the sewing machine as the stitches climb the fabric , cooking, and baking, especially homemade breads - the smell of the yeast and the methodic kneading.  Furthermore, these useful  strategies can be the starting point to practicing mindfulness. It is basically paying attention in the present moment on purpose,  without judgment.   I may not be an expert, but a novice who continues to strive toward an inner calm, waiting for the fog to finally lift.

https://www.mindful.org/what-is-mindfulness/

https://www.mindful.org/jon-kabat-zinn-defining-mindfulness/

Derailing Anxiety

Where I live there are several trains that run the tracks, their warning whistle, the flashing lights and crossing barriers indicate the imminent arrival.                                                                                 

Sometimes, more than I care to count, I feel as if I've been hit by a train; when anxiety barrels over my body. Most of the time I do not heed the warning signals such as chest tightness, a feel of unease, disquiet, fretfulness and the jitters that only escalate to extreme restlessness, apprehension, tension, panic ,  nervousness,  indecision, botheration,  distress,  fidgets, shakes, irritability, rapid breathing, palpitations,  feeling  hot, and dread.  Exasperated; the feeling that I cannot take in enough air - hard to breathe.  There is increased worry and an immediate urge to run away; escape the circumstances or even the current surroundings. Every now and then, during times of full blown panic, I have experienced confusion and the sensation that I have become humongous, and this is very scary. Anxiety  can be all-consuming. There are those moments that I can take medication to thwart the symptoms which undoubtedly cause me such distress but these are infrequent.

Years ago I had a therapist who asked me if I could recall any early warning signs before a full-blown anxiety attack struck; at the time I said no, that I couldn't, that it just hit me like a train. One time out clothes shopping  I experienced one of my worst panic attacks. For one, I hate clothes shopping but the need was there so I perused the many racks of clothes, piling up my cart so I'd only have to make one trip to the fitting room. Once in the fitting room I tried on outfit after outfit, a speaker, that seemed directly above my head belting out irritating, loud music - and then the train hit. The woman in the mirror taunting me, mocking me. I frantically put back on my own clothes,  gathered all the articles of clothing, flung open the door with tears streaming down my face and just shoved the whole pile at the clerk and ran out of the store, shaking, having  to escape to the safety of my awaiting car. I always carry anxiety medication with me and I took it but unfortunately medication doesn't work instantaneously and I was left with my tears, shortness of breath, and the adrenaline coursing through my body like hot lava boiling, an overwhelming feeling that I was indeed losing my mind while I sat hiding in my car with embarrassment my only company.

This was many years ago and I have experienced countless  episodes of anxiety and full-blown panic attacks. I can honestly say now that frequently  the anxiety comes out of nowhere - barreling down the tracks at full speed until the undeniable crash strikes. But occasionally I get it, I can recognize early warning signs.  Just like those red flashing lights and  barriers at a rail-road crossing - the whistle that sounds from a distance; the warning signal. The telltale signs are there if I heed their warning.

I have come to recognize several precursors such as chest pressure, nervousness, unease, apprehension and feeling I cannot get enough air. As it runs its course the symptoms worsen and increase. I try to notice the warning and do things that can help myself avoid a full-blown attack if at all possible. There are triggers that I am now fully aware of that can spell disaster and I have discovered ways to cope. For me, sometimes the trigger is a combination of many smaller triggers - crowds and noise are at the top of my list here. It's a combination I'd say of too many people - picture a store - there are people making noise - on phones, talking with others, there is the music playing on speakers - noise from many different directions and my concentration is depleted. Difficulty making a decision, even a simple one-  there are so many things to choose from whether it's shampoo, toothpaste, or which top, which color...the list can go on and on and thus creates a surging panic and threatens my stability. Even the thought of having to go somewhere creates a state of unease and If it's something I really need or want to do I must force myself or stay home. And there have been times, too many to count, that I'd talk myself into getting a shower, getting dressed, putting on makeup, playing scenarios about the outing, even telling myself I can do it, but still getting so worked up as time ticked on I'd finally end up throwing up my hands, literally, putting on more comfortable clothing (i.e.: sweats and such), giving up, having to resort to taking medication and staying home.  Driving where there is an abundance of traffic such as the interstate and highways is fearsome and simply thinking about it, whether I am the driver or the passenger , causes undue anxiety. 

But I have found some things that help, coping skills I use to derail. Wearing earplugs in the store, going to stores early when it's less busy , I take a list and cross off each item as I get it. If the store is a familiar one I can plan ahead - I replay my route in my head, rehearsing before I go so that I am working from one side of store to the end, which means less time and less likely anxiety will worsen.  There is the option now and then  to shop online and this has proven to be helpful too. I normally only drive close to home but when my husband drives us on trips - taking the dreaded interstate and the like, I do take anxiety medication before heading out and manage by closing my eyes at times, listening to music, talking, and of course holding onto the handle  (which is sometimes called the "oh shit" handle) when I feel frightened.

Every so often I must disconnect from the web, from social media, texting and even the phone because at times it is just too overwhelming. These are usually short breaks in time but nevertheless, necessary. I have hoped at these times, those I am fond of, would understand that it is not anything anyone has done or said.  I have also found that just setting a time limit on these activities is helpful (i.e. 20 minutes on FB, turning on mute for email and text notifications for part of the day). I also walk - I am up to 40 minutes most days - some days venturing out with my husband to walk at the beach or a park trail, soaking in a hot bath,  running a cold washcloth over my face, neck, and arms or even at times splashing cold water on my face. Listening to audio books, reading, watching a movie (check out your local library!), puzzles, board games, crafts (so many resources available such as https://www.pinterest.com/ ), baking and cooking, playing with my grandchildren, and playing with my two little dogs.

There is one last thing but very important indeed - self-talk. This is certainly a very hard one for me because I tend, especially when depressed, to dwell on the negative side of the tracks. I am reminded of that little kid book The Little Engine That Could  By: Watty Piper and the old familiar phrase "I think I can, I think I can....."  

Coping skills can simply be a distraction; a shift in ones focus. Trying to stay busy despite.  

I think I can.....

Depression Shadow

~ Here it is, the closing of another year and my thoughts veer toward all that has transpired before  looking forward to the calendar turning. Close in mind are recollections of incidents near and during the past Christmas holiday. Disappointment, heartache, sadness, despair and loss, mostly beyond my control, but nevertheless, weighted me down. The shadow of depression had already been lurking for some time  and then I  found my constant worry about several loved ones and mounting anxiety plagued me throughout the day, even with medication. The stress of preparing and placing myself behind a false mask for family overextended my mental reserve and I found myself facing yet another severe depression after the holidays ended. I began sleeping more, finding it extremely difficult to force myself out of bed, sometimes retreating back into the folds of sheets by afternoon, curtains closed, until evening beckoned, my day mostly spent asleep or just laying there staring, thinking. Sleep was a retreat, not only because I was depressed but because sleep assured my thoughts would  quiet and the hurt my heart felt was therefore silenced for a time. A slight reprieve. But the downside is the more I slept or stayed in bed, the worse I actually felt - the more tired I became.  Many times throughout the days I'd catch myself crying, with no relief. The darkness in my room mirrored the darkness within and my thoughts tortured me, turning to suicidal ideations. Unfortunately this is an all too familiar place I venture to in my mind when I feel so depressed, hopeless; desperate to end the overwhelming hurt that threatens my very existence. I desperately search my mind for methods I've researched before - the how to - the how many pills, how many do I still have on hand, how many would I still need, where would I go to implement the plan and on and on, playing and replaying scenarios in my head until the scenarios include faces of loved ones, grieving faces, those grieving after my death - the left behind soles that I had worried over and loved. Suffering would then be transferred from me to them. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

This past weekend, the shadow of depression enveloped me but I made the choice to get up. Even though it was hard, it was a new day. I made the choice to do something to help myself, regardless of the ache in my body or the leaden feel to my legs, regardless of the deep hole I felt  in my heart and the worry that clouded my thoughts. I headed out in nature,  my husband by my side, to walk along the beach - to feel the strength of my legs carry me forward, out of darkness, to feel the wind carry across the water, tossing my hair, erasing some of the despairing thoughts with each gust. The simple act of searching for treasures along the shore freed my mind, allowing it to concentrate on shapes and textures in the sand instead of sadness and woe. Many times, I simply closed my eyes and stood there, my feet firmly planted, the sound of the waves lapping the shore, the breeze blowing against my cheek. Grateful. I took a close-up picture of the water  at the shoreline that day and upon viewing it I realized my shadow was reflected in the water - the darkness of depression  may still have been there but I was in the light, standing tall in front of it.