No stranger
am I to racing thoughts. Now that my
deep depression has slightly begun to lift, like the fog after a misty night,
my mind begins to shift gears. Thoughts
conjure up ideas: list after list of all the things I want to do, all the new
projects, things I'd like to make, read,
watch, and of course all the projects I have started in the past and not
finished also resurface. And It doesn't just stop there with the simple
thoughts - I go into what I call my research
and gather mode; I search the internet and books for potential patterns and
pull out ones I've previously saved in
my many folders hidden away. Something is amiss, but I struggle with the
pounding thoughts that feed on my need to create. I begin to take stock of
supplies I have on hand and make lists, many lists of what I need to purchase. Then
there's the books to read and movies to watch - I explore the possibilities as
if they are the most important things I need to accomplish. There is an urgency
and I am on overdrive; tending to talk
incessantly, jumping from one subject to another, to another and still,
another. There is no focal point; no one thing I can grasp at any given moment.
My husband is keen at recognizing my shift in mood and the
telltale signs of my rapid speech and subject jumping. He is like a beacon in
the lingering fog and warns me to slow down. But it is hard with pressured
speech; It is mind-boggling and feels like I could burst if I don't talk. Normally, I do not realize my behavior except
at times, I talk and talk, just to roll on totally different topics, wondering what on earth I had originally been talking
about, my mind pausing, searching for the point I was trying to make just
moments ago. Somehow, I believe that the subjects may have a connection, some common denominator
unbeknownst to me. It is frustrating and a struggle when my mind cannot find
quiet. It is very hard to reign in my ever whirling thoughts and speech. This all causes confusion , frustration,
lack of concentration, embarrassment, and anxiety.
There are several coping skills I use to combat the constant
revolving chatter. The main thing I do is try to distract myself. I love listening to audio books and I have found
that even though at times , I have to backtrack due to my thoughts intervening,
it helps quiet my scattered mind. I also
take walks, most often listening to my
book, keeping tabs on my gait and the scenery around me. I enjoy working
puzzles, concentrating on the shapes and colors helps me to find some focus, which
otherwise is lacking. I also have other endeavors: craft and art activities, each requiring a
certain degree of concentration. There
is counting stitches in crocheting, the feel of the brush in my hand and the
colors of the paint, the hum of the sewing machine as the stitches climb the
fabric , cooking, and baking, especially homemade breads - the smell of the
yeast and the methodic kneading. Furthermore,
these useful strategies can be the
starting point to practicing mindfulness.
It is basically paying attention in the present moment on purpose, without judgment. I may not be an expert, but a novice who continues
to strive toward an inner calm, waiting for the fog to finally lift.
Excellent writing.
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